I didn’t have a good relationship with my dad. He made a lot of mistakes—too many to count. But the truth is, many parents do. I’m not a parent myself, but I imagine it must be one of the hardest tasks in life. It seems like, in one way or another, most parents inevitably impact their child’s ability to live a functional life. Whether it’s from unhealed wounds they unknowingly pass on or their own shortcomings, being a parent is complicated and mostly it is imperfect, just like everything else in life.
For a long time, I was angry at my father. That anger was like a weight I carried with me everywhere I went, and over time, it consumed me. It didn’t just make me feel small; it actively kept me from being free. I was bound to the past, tethered by an emotional link that felt stronger and heavier than iron. It didn’t matter how far I went or how much I tried to ignore it—the anger was there, constantly pulling me back, reminding me of all the unresolved pain.
What I didn’t realize for the longest time was that forgiveness was the only way to dissolve that link. The only way to free myself from the past was to forgive. But forgiveness isn’t easy. It’s one of the hardest things to do, especially when the pain runs deep. We often think that holding onto the anger will protect us, but in reality, it keeps us stuck. We become prisoners of our own resentment, unable to move forward. We become prisoner of our past.
Forgiveness doesn’t change the past. It doesn’t erase what happened or make the wrongs disappear. But what it does is enlarge the future. It creates space—space for healing, for new possibilities, and for peace. Forgiveness allows us to step out of the emotional prison we’ve built and start living without carrying the weight of old wounds. It brings clarity, acceptance, and more love—both for ourselves and for others.
One of the most misunderstood aspects of forgiveness is that it’s not about the other person. It doesn’t mean that you need to trust the person who hurt you again or invite them back into your life. Forgiveness is about you. It’s about releasing the pain and the emotional baggage that is holding you down. It’s about freeing yourself from the heaviness of resentment. True forgiveness is when you can look back at the experience and say, “Thank you for that. Because of it, I am stronger, wiser, and kinder.
In this way forgiveness becomes not a process about absolving others of their mistakes; it’s about releasing yourself from the burden of holding on to the past. And when you’re ready to forgive—whether it’s today, tomorrow, or years from now—you’ll know. Because forgiveness doesn’t just change your relationship with the past; it opens up a brighter, lighter, bigger future.
If forgiving someone else is hard, forgiving yourself is even harder. We carry so much guilt and shame about the things we’ve done or the mistakes we’ve made. Self-forgiveness is often the most challenging part of the process, but it’s essential because without self-forgiveness, we remain trapped in a cycle of self-criticism and regret, never allowing ourselves to move beyond the mistakes of the past. We can’t move forward until we release ourselves from the past and stop holding onto the idea that we don’t deserve healing or peace. Only then can we begin to heal and open ourselves to the possibility of a future free from the burdens we’ve carried for so long.
So, how do you know when you’ve truly forgiven someone or yourself ? It’s not always easy to tell, and it doesn’t happen all at once. Forgiveness is a process, not a single moment of clarity. But there are signs along the way. You start to feel lighter. The anger doesn’t flare up the way it used to. You don’t feel as emotionally charged when you think about the person or the situation.
For me, the moment I knew I had forgiven my father came unexpectedly. My mother called me last week to tell me that my father had undergone surgery for a cyst. They were waiting for the results to see if it was something serious. My family lives in Italy, and I don’t speak to my father very often. We’ve had minimal contact over the years, and I usually only see him when I visit. But when my mother asked me to call him for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel any resistance.
I picked up the phone and called him. I asked how he was doing, and I could hear the emotion in his voice. He was genuinely touched that I had called. In that moment, I felt something I hadn’t expected: compassion. I felt sorry for him, not in a pitiful way, but in a human way. And while I’ve always had a hard time seeing others in pain—whether it’s people or animals—this time was different. I realized that I wasn’t just feeling sorry for him; I was experiencing, witnessing what forgiveness feels like.
Over the past few months, maybe even years, I had sensed that I was on the path to forgiving him. But that phone call confirmed it for me. I knew, deep down, that I had finally let go. The emotional chains that had held me for so long had dissolved. Forgiveness had done its work, quietly and slowly, over time.
Here’s the thing about forgiveness: it’s not something you can force. If your heart isn’t ready, you can’t rush it. And that’s okay. If you find yourself struggling to forgive—whether it’s someone else or yourself—take a moment to breathe. Have compassion for the part of you that isn’t ready yet to forgive and let go.. Just like healing, forgiveness takes time. It’s a gradual process, one that unfolds at its own pace.
While you wait, you can hold space for the pain, the anger, or the resistance. You can gently acknowledge those feelings without letting them consume you. And as you do, remind yourself that when the time is right, forgiveness will come. It will arrive softly, like a whisper, letting you know that you’re free.
